[His voice goes from it's needy little whine to a more sincere sadness, cracking. It had always been sincere. It was only now that his defenses were slipping in front of Slugger, in front of this...thing. And he can't help it. He knows it probably is Slugger but with the sense of falseness, of counterfeit to Slugger right now it...for some reason more is slipping out than he wants. And he can't stop.]
I just...I wanted to help. But I can't. Nothing I do helps, not really, no matter how much I want it to. And yet I'm still always the one who gets away, the one who survives. In October when they had the graves and again in-in the wasteland, and I-I..
[His arms, which had been crossed along his chest...unfold a little, his hands moving to his shoulders, gripping at them some. He needs it. It's a defense mechanism he'd had when he was young, and lonely, and needed to comfort himself. And he's trying to stop, because he doesn't want Slugger, fake or not, seeing this.
But it's too late. The dam has burst, and no matter how much he tries he can't patch it.]
I hate that I survived. It should have been you and Ai, or my brother, or someone who is or could be someone. But no, it's just me, always a-alone and cowardly and pathetic. Maybe-maybe you're a m-monster but there are people who care about you, who you make proud, who love you. And I just-just push p-people like that away whenever I meet them! Maybe I haven't yet, but I will eventually, it's what always happens! I push them a-away or they l-l-leave like they do with the dronings in this hellhole and it's always j-just me! It's j-just me and I'm the one who deserves to keep standing the least!
I just-I just thought I could've given you all happiness once! I could have made a difference, and one that wasn't bad! I could have created instead of destroying and given you something and actually been deserving of having been your friend in the first place! And I just fell for a trick! I just fell for a trick like a moron like I always did and now you're disappearing and Ai's disappearing and Picky's disappearing just like I didn't want because I wasn't good enough alone! That has to be it! That's what it's always been!
[He's choking now. From anger, and depression and grief, and embarrassment. He'd started crying a little bit ago, but only now notices it, and whips his head a bit to try and get the tears away from his face. He hates himself. He hates that he's so weak, especially now.]
I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I tried to be good enough again and screwed up because I never am and now people who don't deserve, you who don't deserve it, are going to disappear too and I'm so sorry!
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2011-12-19 06:00 am (UTC)I just...I wanted to help. But I can't. Nothing I do helps, not really, no matter how much I want it to. And yet I'm still always the one who gets away, the one who survives. In October when they had the graves and again in-in the wasteland, and I-I..
[His arms, which had been crossed along his chest...unfold a little, his hands moving to his shoulders, gripping at them some. He needs it. It's a defense mechanism he'd had when he was young, and lonely, and needed to comfort himself. And he's trying to stop, because he doesn't want Slugger, fake or not, seeing this.
But it's too late. The dam has burst, and no matter how much he tries he can't patch it.]
I hate that I survived. It should have been you and Ai, or my brother, or someone who is or could be someone. But no, it's just me, always a-alone and cowardly and pathetic. Maybe-maybe you're a m-monster but there are people who care about you, who you make proud, who love you. And I just-just push p-people like that away whenever I meet them! Maybe I haven't yet, but I will eventually, it's what always happens! I push them a-away or they l-l-leave like they do with the dronings in this hellhole and it's always j-just me! It's j-just me and I'm the one who deserves to keep standing the least!
I just-I just thought I could've given you all happiness once! I could have made a difference, and one that wasn't bad! I could have created instead of destroying and given you something and actually been deserving of having been your friend in the first place! And I just fell for a trick! I just fell for a trick like a moron like I always did and now you're disappearing and Ai's disappearing and Picky's disappearing just like I didn't want because I wasn't good enough alone! That has to be it! That's what it's always been!
[He's choking now. From anger, and depression and grief, and embarrassment. He'd started crying a little bit ago, but only now notices it, and whips his head a bit to try and get the tears away from his face. He hates himself. He hates that he's so weak, especially now.]
I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I tried to be good enough again and screwed up because I never am and now people who don't deserve, you who don't deserve it, are going to disappear too and I'm so sorry!